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I swam laps a few times, and tried some of the machines (they all made me feel motion sick after awhile, so I stopped using them.) But the only class I wanted to go to was Zumba.
There was no way to really convey to Priscilla what her classes meant to me. She has four kids, and the first time I went to class there were so many fun ladies there, including her 74 year old Mom, wearing sparkly silver sneakers!
I dated online for a long time and in the beginning I did horrible.
I was finding very few dates and the dates I did go on were ending poorly.
I think mostly, I wanted to feel like I had more control, like things had never changed. And different people's grief wants to eat different things, and mine wanted carbs. Good, thick rosemary bread with salt crusted on top. So it has been a slow and confusing process, and it turns out the part after the hard part can feel just as hard. My parents helped me get a gym membership at an LA Fitness close to me.
Mama lil's peppers marinating in olive oil- hunks of goat milk feta, glasses of wine, sausage and sauerkraut. And my (now) husband was, and continues to be, an endless well of patience and kindness, even when I come home in a small tornado of sadness and fear, blowing that wind through all the cracks in the house. When I signed up they offered a free hour consultation with a trainer, and like a real dummy I went for it.
It was not the place to disclose things like- "Actually I am depressed because not too long ago I was bald and can't make sense of this experience, and no, I don't want to lift weights, but do you have any fun dance classes? I went to a few Zumba classes that were lacking a certain spark and level of quality, and then on a fateful Tuesday night I walked into Priscilla's class. A gorgeous dancer, and a beautiful human being who radiated confidence, joy, and positivity. One week we did a song she loved and she had us bring flags from our home countries. On her birthday someone brought cake and we ate it right after class at a table next to all the treadmills.
All qualities that seemed to be in short supply in my own life. I sweated and I stayed the whole time, and I didn't fall over, or feel pain in my chest. I started to recognize the other women who came every week, and there was a whole die hard crew of us.
We packed up our belongings, six canoes and three bikes, two pets, a U-Haul and many, many boxes, and I cried a lot. When we went to unload we found that the utilities had been shut off, so after depositing a couch and chairs and clothes and bedding, we trucked back to Austin for another week.
Just a few months after marrying, Steven and I moved to the little town of Lockhart, an up and coming spot 30 miles from Austin, We kept our jobs and he lengthened his commute.
I wasn't just finding quantity, I was dating the women who fit what I was hoping to find.
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